I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
