history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
