Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
