If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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