the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
