Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
