Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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