The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
