Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
