Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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