just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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