Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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