He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
