omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
