i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
