the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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