I think I died a long time ago.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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