fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
