My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
