it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
