FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
