I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
