how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
