life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
