low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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