I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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