I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
