If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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