WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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