My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
