I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We are two peas in an std pod
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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