i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
