my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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