My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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