I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
