Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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