i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
