Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
