hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
