Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
