sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
