I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
