apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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