I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
