I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
