cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
