Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
