So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
