'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
