i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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