when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
