I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
