Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
