in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
only if we run a train.
done.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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