I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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